Canada Annexes North Pole

Canada Annexes North Pole

At 6:00 P.M. NPST (North Pole Standard Time), the National People's Republic of the North Pole (NPRNP) officially joined Canada as its 11^th province.

The move follows the NPRNP's application to join the Canadian federation after yesterday's referendum, in which 87.5% composed an overwhelming affirmative majority.

“I think our economic and political future lies to the south, with Canada”, said Peter Kowalski, interim Klaus and long standing Northern Pole.

The international community, however, has raised concerns about the legitimacy of the vote. The referendum was held after 9 soldiers wearing Canadian army uniforms entered the Pole unannounced on Friday, shocking and effectively doubling the population. Canadian government officials deny that the move was planned, and instead claim that the group is the militant arm of a right-wing anti-Santa group.

“We don't know who they are, or how they got Canadian army uniforms, or why they're exclusively and deliberately advancing the interests of the Canadian government. The only thing we do know is that there's nothing we can do to stop them. Sorry,” apologized Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird

Canadian nationalists have pointed out that the region's population has been 62.5% ethnic Canadian since the state's inception last Wednesday. Critics have suggested that this fact is mostly due to a seal hunting expedition that took a tragic turn when the party got lost.

Ousted pro-Denmark NPRNP leader Kristopher Kringluun is in hiding in Copenhagen, where he fled for his safety during anti-government demonstrations.

“Rest assured, I am going to be looking over the documentation very carefully,” he said when asked to comment. “I've been keeping a close eye on the issue, and I will determine how to assign blame.”

Protesters occupied the Republic's capital–and only–city around the pole for hours at a time, before returning to lodging to warm up. The metropolis, North Pole City, is not to be confused with City of North Pole, Alaska.

The region's American inhabitant Herman Hobbs protested the referendum, questioning the legitimacy of a vote during military occupation. “The question on the referendum was 'Would you like to join Canada as its 11^th province, or as its 4^th territory?' I don't think that's indicative of public opinion,” argues Hobbs. “Also, I think some people might have had trouble reading the ballot, because it's been night for 4 months.”

Countries are interested in the area because of large hydrocarbon fuel deposits, 9-10 trillion tonnes according to a report by the Russian Agency for Management of Mineral Resources. Nonetheless, experts estimate that 90% of the region's energy would come from training polar bears to ride unicycles. Paid consultants from the Carnival Workers' Union are still in deliberations.

No word yet on when Canada Post will begin delivery to the area, or if service will be community mailbox based rather than door-to-door. Incorporation into the existing system should be fairly easy, as key NPRNP addresses already follow the alternating 6-digit alphanumeric postal code format.

Date: April 6, 2014

Author: Alaric McKenzie-Boone